Lost…

I am so lost, its unture, On Sunday I had the most strange day I think I have ever had.

I went out with friends, feeling “charged” but nothing comes to a surprise anymore to me, in the evening I had to let a balloon go, with around 200 people, for my friend who lost his fight to bipolar, and is no longer with us.

I think this has hit me hard, harder than I thought it would ever would, I tried to kill myself Sunday night, with all of my sleeping tablets, but I woke up in a hospital bed and a drip in my arm, now I am lost and feel so ashamed, I just want to hide.. I never want to look at myself again, even more so when my friend is no longer with us.

I truly am, lost without reason.

Death brought us closer.

Death brings us closer #25

 

The only connection I truly had with this young man was the darkness that beholds us both,

He could speak with such talent and such words, you would think it was a bible oath,

This young, charming and daring man was a fighter,

However, all fights but come to an end,

In his case, it was the end, however, I will remember this, and I will defend,

Defend the cause and the suffering that the darkness brings to us,

Life is hard, choices are harder, but one losing the fight, it just plain rough.

 

There are people that do not understand what this darkness can do,

If you need a name for this thing that destroy’s lives and takes them,

BIPOLAR!

 

Bipolar is what makes me keep on fighting, but it’s scary,

Bipolar is harder than living in this world,

Every day gets harder and harder,

When you finish your day, and you think it’s almost over,

Bipolar will remind you, it’s not, it attacks us like a ball of fire.

 

My friend, who was connected through our darkness,

We feared we would never get understanding, nor any justice,

The pain, the swings, the highs, the lows, the voices, the pills,

These are the very things that make bipolar,

The pills are the very we use to kill,

Kill ourselves, to stop the pain,

To stop feeling ashamed,

As people sit there and judge us,

Myself and my dead friend were looking, as we were lost.

 

The truth is harsh, bipolar takes souls,

It wages war between ourselves,

It takes out our burning flame,

It makes us lose our game,

It brings us to our knees in complete shame,

It makes us deaf to pain,

When my dead friend, was calling out his name,

There was no one, to help nor stop him,

Now our friend has become, the very thing we fear,

He has become our cause to fight,

With all of our might, to achieve what I and my friend had in our sight,

Understanding, no judgement, no caring, kindles and most importantly,

People doing us right, so feel we can speak and start to feel alright.

 

Death has brought us closer, but we are so far apart

Death Part II

The reaper has come to pay me another visit,

I thought it was the last time we will see each other again for a long time as I thought I was feeling fine.

But I was a fool to think this, I asked him what crime have I committed?

Death laughs at me, he asks me, why do you think you have done something wrong to see me,

I paused and thought he was playing a game,

He likes doing this, as it causes me pain, and it makes me go insane.

Death, why have you come, I shouted,

With a smile on his face, he declares he wants me to take me,

It was like the last time, he said I would be safer with him,

I went stone cold with tears running down my face,

Not because death is waiting for me,

But because he is wanting my friendship more than mortals do,

How is this even possible?

How is it that death wants to be friends with me,

If I was honest, I don’t find his offer distasteful,

At least he is honest.

Death asks me if he wants me to take me,

Take my tears, my soul, my illness, my life,

He hands me a hunting knife, he tells me, there are many people out there wanting to put this in your back, I am offering you truth & power, the power to choose who put a knife in your back rather than a lying snake,

I said I don’t want to do any of this, he then asked,

Did I hear your cries out of a mistake?

He made me speechless, and again powerless,

I could not lie to him, he was right; I did call out for him,

But now the reaper is in my presence, asking, but not taking.

Do I listen to death?

Do I want him to take my last breath?

I feel this is the right time for the reaper to see me,

Therefore, death says he will be waiting for me,

Like death said, everyone has a time,

They do not need to commit any crime,

I will always be on time for when its their time to leave this mad world,

Sam, your madness, your soul, your life is worth much more to me while your live,

I asked death why? What does it mean for him if I live,

He says with a deep and forceful voice,

Unlike when I have to take people for reason out of their control,

You have the gift, of voice of choice, to join me willing ,

So you can become my friend,

This is the first time I looked at death with pity,

Aint it funny, death asking me to be his friend,

I smiled and said, we will be one day,

But you have given me strength,

You have said I have the voice of choice,

I choose to stay, but thank you for coming when you heard my cries,

Thank you for not giving me lies,

Thank you for making my sky blue again,

I now look at death as my friend.

The Stigma is so strong…

I am just going to put this out there, as I feel so upset by it.

I have Bipolar disorder, I struggle with this every day, in my past, I have some pretty amazing jobs, so being a professional I get to know what things are like as a “duty of care” and wanting to help those people that need it the most.

My C.V is something I have quite proud of, for example being on 25, and being Bipolar and having no education at school due to being in the hospital all the time, I manage to get back on track when I was 18 again, did my exams, then on A-levels and then a degree.

This gave me jobs such as being a family therapist for the YMCA, being an Assistant Mental Health Force worker on a mental health ward, being the 3rd person in charge of the ward, to being a Mental Health ACT manager and sitting on the board for people being under section (something I know well) and also recently teaching kids/young people that have been kicked out off school for their mental health or their behaviour, also being a youth/drug worker.

During this time I have been a professional while being a service user, something that doesn’t mix well. I have had to quit all my jobs due to my Bipolar turning nasty again.

I wanted help but got refused it as I keep getting told I am an “expert” in my own health, I was in manic, I was very ill and needed the help, no one came to my aid.

I had a meeting today with a mental health nurse, to talk about how I can cope without having secondary care supporting me, so I went to a charity, only to be told, I am too “complicated” or “very hard to treat”. I am not an awkward patient, I just wanted help, but as I have had these jobs, and been part of the service they state I don’t need it, its something I can do at home.. but I cant, really am struggling with so many things right now. After having the meeting with the charity, I was then told by quite an open and out-spoken professional that after reading through your notes, it looks like that no one wants to be responsible for all the changes and your mood swinging.

So I left, again being let down, I have no support other than my own expertise, something that I cant always rely on due to being so ill. stigma is everywhere, the charity and my GPs, said they cant help me as Bipolar is hard to treat and you will always be up & down, instead of reassurance from these people I got told I will be ill forever and that it, I have to deal with it.

Also after being told this, I looked into health insurance so I don’t have to wait for the NHS and always go through my GP, but even the insurance said, sorry we cant cover Bipolar due to it being “chronic” meaning I will never get better, the man actually said to me, who won’t get cover from most insurers as they think you will be making a lot of claims.

Again let down by everyone, Bipolar is the most misunderstood mental illness, even the so called professionals don’t like treating it, and the worst part of all this… even the mental health & GPs, people that are in this type of work to help mental health fighters, they are the ones who are the most judgemental, and the stigma is so strong around us all.

 

If we cant rely on the professionals that are supposed to help us when in need, who else can or will?

Help me raise money for Bipolar UK

 

Gung-Ho! for Bipolar UK!

Help us raise money for Bipolar UK and Mind…I stand alone, nothing to gain, but together we stand as a force.. mental health stigma needs to stop, it starts with YOU, stop waiting for someone else to step in….

So.. why are we doing this,

Myself & Jade, have been best friends for over 10 years, both battling the stigma of Mental Health, I, myself suffer from Bipolar.

We are doing a 5K run, where we aim to raise money & awareness in our society for those who suffer.. I have been lucky enough to have a supported network, some are not so lucky.. and others are not with us any longer and are no longer here to fight.. lets beat this stigma and make it, not just ok, but make it the norm, to speak out.

With the money we raise we are hoping to have a bipolar class/group within the Norfolk area for a place for people to speak or talk about their mood swings ect.

How to donate

Text 70070 and type “HYPE99 £5” to 70070, you can put less or more just change the amount. 

or feel free to visit my just giving page, the link is: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Samual-jake

Anything will be greatly blessed.

Warm Blessings

Sam & Jade 🙂

 

Helpful Tips For Bipolar

There’s always a way that bipolar sneaks back into our lives even when we are doing well., Bipolar have a strange way of making itself known. I find that when I am enjoying myself and having fun, or if I am in bed, or with my lover, or best friends, or family, It can come anytime and for no reason,. yes, they say don’t drink, have enough sleep, take your medic doation, but I all that and still manage to have bipolar mad moments.

 

So here is a list of what helps me, you may find some useful,

  1. Listening to music really helps me all the time.
  2. Dosages of LP (Shot term)
  3. Going for a walk to think of my thoughts. You really need to start on this…
  4. Play your PC games. (this is distraction, good when your low, not high)
  5. Read books
  6. Do your writing (this really helps).
  7. Talk to someone about how you feel, I have a good network it helps.
  8. I am going to upload a Mood chart, with it my scale of a mania and depression states, I advise you to make one or use mine if you would like and use the mood chart I use as it helps keep an eye on your mood.
  9. Finally, the last thing is to just accept the fact you have a mental disorder, but it does not define you, it just makes you a different kind of person.

Bipolar Mood Chart Bipolar_UK_Mood_Scale

 

Please feel free to download them and use them.

Warm Blessings

 

Samual J

Mental Health

Well, let’s start off with Mental Health, did you know 1 in 4 will suffer from a Mental Health problem in their life time, this means you are that 1 in 4 or will know someone close to you experiencing it.

Mental Health has been a battle that I am still fighting, but fight I will as long as I have the strength within me. Its ok to speak out, and ask for help. I used to be afraid too, but speaking out will help. Mental Health is a major killer, so when I write, my creative writing or my blogs, I am aiming at anyone who might be that 1 in 4, but it’s here to help others if need be. 

I don’t mind how you use my site, as long as its productive and useful for both parties involved. Let this site be your guide to some hard and difficult emotions to explain to someone who can’t see the damage the illness does to one’s self.

I have suffered with Bipolar for over 10 years, and yes I am still learning, but I am not alone, nor are you.

If you need further support contact a MIND or speak out to someone who you need to talk to without feeling you will be judged or looked at different because your not!

Warm Blessings.

Samual J

Run & Lie

In this world, it’s sometimes better to be lied to, than the truth,

When I am flying high, the truth to me is a total lie,

It makes no difference if I was to live in the world that is full of truth

When I am manic and free, I am advised by people

I should take medication and they become all forgetful,

When I manic I see more clearly,

Yes the people who love me, just want to break down and cry,

But when I am flying high, I can see through the bare ground lie.

 

All I want to do is run,

Just keep running,

Not from the truth, nor the lies,

But from the people who stage is so,

However I know if I run,

I will back to square one,

Fighting for my sanity instead of getting back to reality.

 

I want to run with a gun by my side,

To shoot away all the lies,

That all these guys tell me,

I need someone here to wipe away the tears,

To show that side to me,

Without no judgment,

Just love and acceptance.

 

I looked into my future,

This is after I have run,

I look into the mirror,

It says, “hello Mr lonely one”,

As lying to people is a safe way of gaining people’s trust,

The truth is much harder to accept,

It feels like a tornado swept,

Not on land, or on a man-made sand,

But deeply hidden in my mind,

It takes a real lie to find a broken man.

Dont Quit…

 

I sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn’t have that voice inside me,

Telling me I should give up, I’m not worth it, I’m ugly, stupid & fat,

That voice inside me screaming at me, making me feel I have to see the local quack.

 

The screams get louder and louder, while I become weaker & weaker,

However, what that voice don’t know, is I get more eager,

Eager to win the battle between myself & my madness,

My friends bring me joy & my family brings kindness,

These are the very things that the voice can’t bear and this is why I am so lucky to have friends and family, who love me and care.

 

When the world is shouting at you, give up,

It’s like a turning lock, it wants you to feel as to what the voice makes me feel,

Powerless, faceless, speechless, unimportant and indecent,

The world is full of stigma, with it they bear the sign of hate,

I feel I have to pass the ethical & a narrow-minded gate,

In order to achieve in this damned, judgmental world,

These people do not know they have sold their soul to hate things they do not understand.

 

But wait, there’s guidance, a whisper among the herd of negativity,

I can hear my voice coming back, giving me my sanity,

It brings warm joy, hugs, and acceptance,

Something that people cannot or wish to understand,

I will carry on running to my goals, even if I run myself into the ground,

I will not quit, the voice and the stigma in this world are just waiting for me to drop, but they are giving me a reason,

For myself to enjoy life in every season,

Whether it’s Winter, Summer, Autumn or pretty spring,

I look out of my window and see beauty as I see the birds open their beaks and they sing.

 

I thank this world for keeping me going,

For not letting me quit my future showings,

Where I will find love,

Where I will find my dove bearing its heart to me,

Where I can finally be free,

Free to change the world with words & actions,

Where I will not be sanctioned.

 

So what am I trying to say, is never quit,

Don’t feel you have to run up that hill alone,

Don’t feel you have to suffer in pain,

Don’t feel you have nothing to gain from speaking out,

Don’t feel you can’t shout out to the world,

Don’t feel you have to cry behind closed doors,

 

Don’t feel that you are a lost cause,

Don’t feel you can’t live like this anymore,

Don’t pretend this feeling your going through is not sore,

Don’t feel you have to lie,

Don’t feel you need a reason to cry, just cry,

Don’t feel you have to quit, you are strong, you are a sleeping warrior,

Once you see that your mental health and your voice inside you is your armour,

Nothing will stop you.

 

Be strong, I am with you, going through the same thing too.