Lost…

I am so lost, its unture, On Sunday I had the most strange day I think I have ever had.

I went out with friends, feeling “charged” but nothing comes to a surprise anymore to me, in the evening I had to let a balloon go, with around 200 people, for my friend who lost his fight to bipolar, and is no longer with us.

I think this has hit me hard, harder than I thought it would ever would, I tried to kill myself Sunday night, with all of my sleeping tablets, but I woke up in a hospital bed and a drip in my arm, now I am lost and feel so ashamed, I just want to hide.. I never want to look at myself again, even more so when my friend is no longer with us.

I truly am, lost without reason.

Death brought us closer.

Death brings us closer #25

 

The only connection I truly had with this young man was the darkness that beholds us both,

He could speak with such talent and such words, you would think it was a bible oath,

This young, charming and daring man was a fighter,

However, all fights but come to an end,

In his case, it was the end, however, I will remember this, and I will defend,

Defend the cause and the suffering that the darkness brings to us,

Life is hard, choices are harder, but one losing the fight, it just plain rough.

 

There are people that do not understand what this darkness can do,

If you need a name for this thing that destroy’s lives and takes them,

BIPOLAR!

 

Bipolar is what makes me keep on fighting, but it’s scary,

Bipolar is harder than living in this world,

Every day gets harder and harder,

When you finish your day, and you think it’s almost over,

Bipolar will remind you, it’s not, it attacks us like a ball of fire.

 

My friend, who was connected through our darkness,

We feared we would never get understanding, nor any justice,

The pain, the swings, the highs, the lows, the voices, the pills,

These are the very things that make bipolar,

The pills are the very we use to kill,

Kill ourselves, to stop the pain,

To stop feeling ashamed,

As people sit there and judge us,

Myself and my dead friend were looking, as we were lost.

 

The truth is harsh, bipolar takes souls,

It wages war between ourselves,

It takes out our burning flame,

It makes us lose our game,

It brings us to our knees in complete shame,

It makes us deaf to pain,

When my dead friend, was calling out his name,

There was no one, to help nor stop him,

Now our friend has become, the very thing we fear,

He has become our cause to fight,

With all of our might, to achieve what I and my friend had in our sight,

Understanding, no judgement, no caring, kindles and most importantly,

People doing us right, so feel we can speak and start to feel alright.

 

Death has brought us closer, but we are so far apart

Blame?

I am really struggling with the thought of something that has broken my eyes this morning.

 

My friend, who I spoke with 3 days ago, suffered with Bipolar too. When he first got diagnosed he asked me for help and advice, I spoke to him as I was raising money for a Bipolar Run I am doing in order to raise awareness, this morning I found out he is dead.

 

I feel so-what to blame as he never has done this, and he his dead after talking about bipolar with me and have just came out of a mood swing. I feel broken by this thought…

advise?

I am seeing my doctor tomorrorw, I am hoping to get ECT FROM THEM, as I have had enough of all the pills, and no of them have worked… this is my last hope! any suggestions or have anyone had ECT whats your thoughts on them?

Still I Raise..

Made this, has I am feeling low…

 

When things are getting me down, and I feel I have nowhere to turn,

When my loved ones around me feel so concerned,

When I am high and I feel I have money to burn,

I still raise from the depths of madness.

 

When I feel I have no more to give to this life,

When I hurt myself, with the cutting edge of a knife,

When I feel I have outlived this world,

When I feel I need to part my ways and leave with the reaper,

I hear a voice say to me, “all together”

We raise.

 

When I feel that nobody can help me,

When it’s so complicated that the no-one wants to help me,

All I see is regret on people’s faces,

While they wave me goodbye and say “best wishes”

I raise.

 

 

When I feel I do not have the strength inside me anymore,

I will show the world I am still here, and I will walk outside my front door,

When people will look at me and think, “I thought Sam lost his mind”

I shall make them remember, I, Sam, am I one of a kind,

The reason for this is because I still raise.

 

When I have the feel for broken trust and feeling betrayed,

I will not rely on anyone because no-one will come to my aid,

When I have tears from my eyes, and fears from my mind,

Again, I will raise.

 

When people think I have given up on trying to find a cure,

I can honestly say, I am damned sure,

I have tried everything and still have not given up, why you ask?

It’s because I still raise.

 

I will not allow my illness to take over me and punish me,

I know what I must do, unlock my dreams with my key,

To fight another day, without holding onto any shame,

As I will always raise, even when the world whisper in my ear,

Give up, nothing has worked, you might as well leave with death,

So what I do is a take a step back and take a deep breath,

Then I raise to all my doubters,

I am strong and will carry on being strong, all day long.

 

Remember, when I am long gone from this world,

I can say I leave with my head held high,

I am ready to meet my angels in the sky,

Feel from lies, and from hate,

I shall walk through the gate of heavens,

Free I will be,

Strong I am,

I will always raise,

Even when I die.

Well do I start?

I feel so lost atm, I really don’t know where to go or turn to.. I am having such a bad week, I keep thinking positive and thinking it will pass just like all my other mood swings, but its not…I really feel hopeless.

 

Anyone else got suggestions on how to deal with this crappy Bipolar mood swing!

Death Part II

The reaper has come to pay me another visit,

I thought it was the last time we will see each other again for a long time as I thought I was feeling fine.

But I was a fool to think this, I asked him what crime have I committed?

Death laughs at me, he asks me, why do you think you have done something wrong to see me,

I paused and thought he was playing a game,

He likes doing this, as it causes me pain, and it makes me go insane.

Death, why have you come, I shouted,

With a smile on his face, he declares he wants me to take me,

It was like the last time, he said I would be safer with him,

I went stone cold with tears running down my face,

Not because death is waiting for me,

But because he is wanting my friendship more than mortals do,

How is this even possible?

How is it that death wants to be friends with me,

If I was honest, I don’t find his offer distasteful,

At least he is honest.

Death asks me if he wants me to take me,

Take my tears, my soul, my illness, my life,

He hands me a hunting knife, he tells me, there are many people out there wanting to put this in your back, I am offering you truth & power, the power to choose who put a knife in your back rather than a lying snake,

I said I don’t want to do any of this, he then asked,

Did I hear your cries out of a mistake?

He made me speechless, and again powerless,

I could not lie to him, he was right; I did call out for him,

But now the reaper is in my presence, asking, but not taking.

Do I listen to death?

Do I want him to take my last breath?

I feel this is the right time for the reaper to see me,

Therefore, death says he will be waiting for me,

Like death said, everyone has a time,

They do not need to commit any crime,

I will always be on time for when its their time to leave this mad world,

Sam, your madness, your soul, your life is worth much more to me while your live,

I asked death why? What does it mean for him if I live,

He says with a deep and forceful voice,

Unlike when I have to take people for reason out of their control,

You have the gift, of voice of choice, to join me willing ,

So you can become my friend,

This is the first time I looked at death with pity,

Aint it funny, death asking me to be his friend,

I smiled and said, we will be one day,

But you have given me strength,

You have said I have the voice of choice,

I choose to stay, but thank you for coming when you heard my cries,

Thank you for not giving me lies,

Thank you for making my sky blue again,

I now look at death as my friend.

The Stigma is so strong…

I am just going to put this out there, as I feel so upset by it.

I have Bipolar disorder, I struggle with this every day, in my past, I have some pretty amazing jobs, so being a professional I get to know what things are like as a “duty of care” and wanting to help those people that need it the most.

My C.V is something I have quite proud of, for example being on 25, and being Bipolar and having no education at school due to being in the hospital all the time, I manage to get back on track when I was 18 again, did my exams, then on A-levels and then a degree.

This gave me jobs such as being a family therapist for the YMCA, being an Assistant Mental Health Force worker on a mental health ward, being the 3rd person in charge of the ward, to being a Mental Health ACT manager and sitting on the board for people being under section (something I know well) and also recently teaching kids/young people that have been kicked out off school for their mental health or their behaviour, also being a youth/drug worker.

During this time I have been a professional while being a service user, something that doesn’t mix well. I have had to quit all my jobs due to my Bipolar turning nasty again.

I wanted help but got refused it as I keep getting told I am an “expert” in my own health, I was in manic, I was very ill and needed the help, no one came to my aid.

I had a meeting today with a mental health nurse, to talk about how I can cope without having secondary care supporting me, so I went to a charity, only to be told, I am too “complicated” or “very hard to treat”. I am not an awkward patient, I just wanted help, but as I have had these jobs, and been part of the service they state I don’t need it, its something I can do at home.. but I cant, really am struggling with so many things right now. After having the meeting with the charity, I was then told by quite an open and out-spoken professional that after reading through your notes, it looks like that no one wants to be responsible for all the changes and your mood swinging.

So I left, again being let down, I have no support other than my own expertise, something that I cant always rely on due to being so ill. stigma is everywhere, the charity and my GPs, said they cant help me as Bipolar is hard to treat and you will always be up & down, instead of reassurance from these people I got told I will be ill forever and that it, I have to deal with it.

Also after being told this, I looked into health insurance so I don’t have to wait for the NHS and always go through my GP, but even the insurance said, sorry we cant cover Bipolar due to it being “chronic” meaning I will never get better, the man actually said to me, who won’t get cover from most insurers as they think you will be making a lot of claims.

Again let down by everyone, Bipolar is the most misunderstood mental illness, even the so called professionals don’t like treating it, and the worst part of all this… even the mental health & GPs, people that are in this type of work to help mental health fighters, they are the ones who are the most judgemental, and the stigma is so strong around us all.

 

If we cant rely on the professionals that are supposed to help us when in need, who else can or will?